ARISTOPHANES

Aristophanes wanted to check the final version of the Narcissus scene one last time:

[Stage left: Narcissus is lying down staring at his reflection in a pool of water.]

Narcissus: Never have I beheld such divine beauty. I beg you, be mine, fair one!

[Enter Cleon stage right.]

Cleon: Narcissism can be a useful quality. The day I realized that it can be smart to be shallow was, for me, a deep experience. [Breaks into song.]

The beauty ♪ of me is I’m rich. ♫ The point is you ♫ can’t be too greedy. ♪

It’s a fact ♪ that everyone loves ♫ me (though I come off as just a bit needy).

I’ve done a ♪ quite amazing job. ♫ I’m handsome, smart, a big nabob. ♪

I’m a very ♪ stable genius. Did I tell ♫ you ’bout my penis? ♪

Contradicting ♪ me is just ♫ FAKE NEWS! ♪

My hair’s my ♪ own, my dick’s quite ♫ long, it’s really ♫ record-breaking. ♪

Becoming such ♪ a great success ♫ was quite an ♫ undertaking. ♪

You say that ♪ I’m a satyr; inveterate ♫ dissimulator. ♪

But you’re a lying, ♪ failing, biased, ♪ crooked, unfair ♫ hater. ♪

So don’t you ♪ act so wussy, or I’ll grab ♫ you by the pussy ♪

and then ♪ tell ’em all it’s just ♫ FAKE NEWS! ♪

Narcissus: [Shaking his head.] What a self-centered dipshit!