MONTGOMERY TUBERCLES

(Montgomery is narrating) “I’m Dr. Suggs,” said the babe, reaching out to shake my hand in that limp way that women learned from gay guys. For an older woman, Doc was easy on the eyes. Maybe I should get sick. Dr. Rood seemed to defer to Dr. Hottie. “We went through your résumé, Montgom’ry.” She…

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EMMILENE SUGGS

Emmilene Suggs was a determined woman. Raised in a trailer park in the Deep South, she had worked every day of her life since she was fifteen. Brains and grit got her a scholarship to Ole Miss, where she graduated summa cum laude, with dual majors in biology and student loans. Crossing for the first…

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PARVATI SUGANDHITYONI

At this point an elegant woman apparently of the Hindu persuasion drifted silently up to the table. In height and weight she approximated the arithmetic mean; but Ford Phelan noticed that the dimensions of her buttocks somewhat exceeded it. He made an effort to squelch the mental image of enjoying her doggy style. She was…

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BENEDIK TOYBOAT-TOYBOAT

Doctors Toyboat-Toyboat had proved the skeptics wrong by keeping their marriage intact through thick and thin, the good times and the bad, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for over three weeks now. From the start, their union had seemed improbable. Beatrice Toyboat was an ardent feminist, passionate, liberal, idealistic, and rather…

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ABELARD SPADO

Ford Phelan didn’t feel like he could wait until Dr. Spado returned to his office. At this hour he knew Spado would be teaching class in Vavolano Hall, so he strode over there and waited till ten to the hour, when students began trudging out of the door. The department head looked up when Ford…

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FORD PHELEN

Abelard Spado, the head of the philosophy department, introduced Ford to the rest of the staff. “Dr. Toyboat-Toyboat there is our property dualist.” Benedick Toyboat-Toyboat merely grunted. “And next to him is his spouse, Dr. Toyboat-Toyboat, a substance duelist.” Lolling back in her chair, her legs crossed, her right arm draped casually over the chair…

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